Leave it to Wired to ruin Christmas.

In the December issue the editors call out Santa Claus in a three-page infographic. They spoke with business process consultants, surveillance experts, shipping professionals and even a former Navy SEAL to find out how the jolly man from the North Pole would really operate, without invoking supernatural powers.

Some of the unofficial findings:

  • Santa’s elves have names like Mattel and Hasbro. Santa apparently sources production to a number of companies to mask the scope of his operation.
  • Santa knows if you’ve been naughty or nice. He taps into National Security Agency spy satellites to track bullies, vandals and other mischievous youngsters.
  • Forget the reindeer. In the U.S. alone Santa must hire an army of 2.7 million people (elves?) to deliver 34 million gifts in one night.

It’s a fun piece that should go nicely alongside the lump of coal nonbelievers will find under the tree next week.